How to Pick the Perfect Park Bench

  1. 1. Assess the weather. Determine optimal Shade Level (direct sun, under the cover of a tree or a mix of both). Note: Shade Level subject to change with or without warning.
  2. 2. Begin walk around perimeter of park, traveling clockwise if possible. Walk slow enough to enable a complete and accurate assessment of Bench Candidates, but fast enough to avoid appearing Creepy. It’s a fine line.
  3. 3. When approaching Bench Candidate with desired Shade Level, make your final choice based on the following Hazards & Annoyances: mysterious or unexplained puddles, cell phone users, homeless persons, bird feces and proximity to trash receptacles, pets and/or children.
  4. 4. When final Bench Candidate is identified, make haste to claim your bench. Do not break eye contact with Bench Candidate.
  5. Helpful notes & tips: Bench Candidates near minor thoroughfares are preferable to main arteries. Bench Candidates near fountains provide pleasing ambient noise but may attract unwanted neighbors, namely small children, their parents and teenagers.

Related: Long/ Live/ the/ Benchigram.